


In My Reflection

by IntrovertedHappiness



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Kinda?, Mirrors, again kinda, idk wha else to tag oof, magnus and merle are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22326532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntrovertedHappiness/pseuds/IntrovertedHappiness
Summary: For as long as Taako could remember, his reflection in the mirror has always been... off. Like there was something wrong. Like there was static around his frame. So when he looks into the mirror and sees this twisted version of himself, he decided to go on a walk. Maybe he was lucky that the Director was sitting in the quad this late at night. It gave him someone to talk to.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	In My Reflection

Taako wasn’t quite sure what time it was. He knew it was dark outside because the window near his bed showed the gentle and quiet scenery of the moon base. He glanced outside as he made his way to the bathroom, seeing the  _ real  _ moon hung high in the sky. It was brighter tonight than it normally seemed. Maybe it was because he could really take in its beauty with Magnus and Merle finally asleep.

He stumbled into the bathroom with heavy footsteps. Elves didn’t need sleep, though his meditation often left him feeling groggy when he was pulled out of it. Which is why he was tottering around the place like a zombie, eyes half-closed as he finished up in the bathroom and made to go back to his bed. But something caught his eye before he had even reached for the door nob and his instinct made him turn.

_ Oh _ , Taako thought dully,  _ you again _ .

He stared back at his reflection dutifully, eyes gazing across his body. His ears were drooping as he always did at this time at night. His face was pale and almost sunken-looking. Taako grimaced, tilting his head at himself and staring harder.

Taako didn’t hate his reflection. Well, he didn't hate how he  _ looked _ . He  _ looked _ fine with a few touch-ups here and there. But looking at himself caused so many deep-rooted emotions to stir that it made him almost gag. He hated how around the edges of his being were fuzzy, parts he could only describe as static. Swirling, storming static that surrounded his being, blurring his frame at the edges. It was almost as if his mind didn't want him to see what was there.

Taako sometimes wondered if he had been cursed without knowing. He couldn't recall a time where he didn't look like this in the mirror, so perhaps it was cast on him younger than he could remember. Perhaps someone had erased his very image from his-

He gripped his head, cursing. It felt like every time he got close to discovering what had happened to him, his head would fog up and drift his thoughts away. It kind of  _ hurt _ when this happened if he was to be honest about it. Taako was suddenly confused about why he was standing in the bathroom until he was stopped his reflection again. He scoffed at it, moving his hands to grip the counter.

"I," Taako said to himself, feeling stupid, "am not scared of you."

He felt like his reflection should have responded but it didn't. When he saw himself frown, he winced and didn't know why. He didn't want her to be sad, he wanted to  _ help _ -

_ Her? _ His mind scowled.  _ Who is her?  _

This  _ always _ happened. He huffed, opening the door and marching out. He draped his robe over his pajamas and left his room, into the main living area. He looked around, ears pricking up, trying to catch any sounds. He heard Merle snoring because that dude never closed his door. He couldn't hear anything from Magnus's room, which is not unusual because when Magnus was out, he was  _ out _ . He made his way to the front door and left.

It was kind of weird not having noise coming from every direction when he got up into the main part of the base. It was usually packed with people working and chatting. Taako made his way outside. He finally spotted someone sitting on the grass nearby.

"Don't humans need sleep?" Taako asked, plopping down next to the Director. She jumped, turning to him swiftly.

"Taako," she greeted.

"Madam Director," Taako greeted with an over the top bow. "What's up with you being out here so late?"

"Not tired," she answered and when Taako raised his eyes, she complied. "Okay, so I am tired but insomnia's a  _ bitch _ ."

"Oh, true," Taako said.

"What about you?" she asked. "Why aren't you meditating?"

"Woke up just now," Taako said with a shrug. "Wanted to go for a walk, I guess."

"Mhmm," she said. "What's the  _ real _ reason, huh?"

Taako rested back on his arms, looking up with the sky.

"I mean, your my boss, so I guess I gotta tell…"

"False," she said at once. "You don't have to share if you don't wish to."

"Eh," Taako said, glancing briefly at her. "As long as you promise not to tell anyone else, I'm good, I guess. Merle says it's good to talk about stuff."

"I literally have no one to tell," The Director said, and she seemed honest. Taako sighed.

"Do you ever… feel like your reflection isn't you?" He started, closing his eyes to imagine himself standing in front of a mirror. "Like… yeah, it's me, I guess. But it's  _ not _ me. It's someone else."

"Someone else?" she asked, concerned. Taako waved off her pity.

"No emotions," he said off-handedly. "Just listen. It's like… I'm there but my… Edges? They're fuzzy. Almost static, you could say. Like I'm  _ seeing _ someone else."

"Oh?" and this time she left her voice perfectly neutral.

"Yeah. My mind seems to think someone else is there. Whenever I see my reflection, my mind isn't even using the right pronouns for myself. Like, I'm pretty sure I'm a he. Like I'm almost  _ positive _ I'm a he. But…"

"But?" the Director prompted.

"My mind always uses she/her when I see myself… Like there's a  _ someone _ \- a  _ her _ \- staring back at me."

There was a silence between them before Taako shrugged.

"Anyway, that's my shit. I used to cover up mirrors but since sharing a bathroom with Magnus and Merle, I can't really do that." He looked over at her, expecting a calm face. Instead, he could see her eyes glimmering with tears in the moonlight.

“I’m…” she said after a long while. “I’m so sorry about that, Taako.”

“Not your fault,” Taako tried to comfort but that just seemed to make her more upset. She looked like she really wanted to say something, to comfort him in some way. But she didn’t, just sitting there in the starlight. They sat together for a little while longer and Taako was starting to feel anxious. Should he have just stayed silent when she had asked why he was really up? Would she have accepted that answer? He shifted and she started to stand.

“Well, goodnight, Taako,” she said, and he could tell she was trying hard to keep her voice from wobbling.

“Night,” Taako said.

“Go back to bed soon, will you?”

“Maybe,” Taako shrugged.

She sighed, starting to walk away. At the last moment, Taako turned and shouted to her,

“You’re  _ not _ gonna tell anyone what I said, right?”

“No,” she said at once. “Of course not.”

“Good,” Taako said, satisfied. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Taako.”


End file.
